Common Heritage Of Divorce: Child

Common Heritage Of Divorce: Child

Every child wishes to find both their mothers and fathers when they wake up and grow up in a warm atmosphere of family. Unfortunately, care and precision demonstrated when getting married is not demonstrated when getting divorced. Life seems to be bright pink just before the marriage. You think that the separation will never knock your door. You have children, furnish your house, go shopping together, invest your savings into a joint account and travel together… However, the day comes and the separation knocks your door all of a sudden. God! Partners start to get worried about properties and expenses. How to share the house, how to divide the store among us, who will own the car? What about the money in the bank?

What happens if he spends it for others, what if he loses everything? Worries and worries… Life turns out to be a nightmare. At the end, a common way is definitely found, the problem is solved and the parties immediately get divorced. Life goes on with its good and bad sides. Well, leaving everything a side, do you think the parties thought about the issue which needs to be concerned at first? Of course, not…

Problems related to money and properties are solved in a way. However the real important problem is the “child”. The child may be at an early age, in puberty or an adult… Whatever the age of the child, have you ever thought of their desires, concerns and life understanding? One of those branches they love, trust in and shelter is broken because of your divorce?

We don’t ask children when they will be born, we don’t ask them when they will be delivered to the life and we don’t ask their opinion about the divorce of parents, either. The parents give the decision about it. Their point of view on this issue is like “How can the child understand it?” That’s ok, you are getting divorced. No one objects that, but the responsibilities should not be forgotten. No parents can decide on such an issue alone. In our all decisions, we have to consider the development of the children. For instance, the mother is not satisfied with the father, the father is a bad guy and unfaithful so the mother is angry with him. The woman cannot accept that her husband slept with a woman whom she thinks to be less precious than her (because this is a general opinion) and as a result she gets divorced. However, she plans to revenge on him definitely.
” Your father is bad; your father is like that. He is unfaithful to us”. The other woman is also a bad woman for her. The child automatically gets angry with the father. What happens in the end? The child becomes a withdrawn, unconfident, incoherent in his relations and unsuccessful person, because the child adopts the manners of his father as a role model, yet as demonstrated by his mother, unfortunately (as if a father who uses violence against his wife, have tendencies in alcoholic drinks, gambling etc., a bad characterized person). The father may not be like that in fact. However, the child receives something from his father or mother regardless of it is good or bad.


''The child should never regard himself or the other family members as the guilty of divorce. The child should be assured that seperation of parents is a natural fact and this will never effect his/her life.''

Then, years passes and the mother this time begins to look down on her child with words such as “You are just like your father, if only I had not delivered you, you are also coming from his blood”. And at this point, it should be told to the mother that “Look at you in the mirror. If you were a good mother you would not say these words to this child.” She chose him as the father of her child, didn’t she? What is the point of blaming the child in this point? Moreover, the one who brought the situation in this point is the mother again. I think the couples should know the fact that problem is coming from them, because the child’s personality is developed by the parents. The divorced mothers and fathers, my words are for you: “You can only blame yourself, don’t try to poison your children with your anger. Do not fill in those young brains with wickedness, feed them with the happiness which you could not achieve to have.”

Have a look at the following clues. Don’t complicate those innocent creatures’ life.
- Do not look for a negative point in the events; try to look at the situation from the positive side.
- Split up with your partner by means of agreement what ever the conditions are.
- Try to be friends with the new partner of your ex-spouse. Try to know her/him closer.
- Try to be friends with your ex-spouse.
- Never say bad thing against the other party whatever the reason is.
- Convince your children that the separation is a natural phenomenon and this will not change their life in the negative manner.
- The child should never regard himself or the other family members as the guilty of this separation.
- Spend much time with your child.
- Never think money can cover the emotional emptiness and problems of your child.
- Follow his friends closely.
- Follow his growth closer.
- Get used to the idea that your ex-spouse will have relationships with other people and never reflect your emotional storms on your child, do not take your revenge from your child.
- Look at the life from the positive perspective and be strong.
- Your child should never see you in a miserable position. You should always be a good example for your child.
- Entertain your life; don’t devote your whole time to worrying about your ex-spouse and your child.
- Don’t think so much on your groundless fears. Talk with the people who make you happy.



Maybe you will think, “That’s fine, but is it easy to manage all of these?” Yes, it is difficult. “Life isn’t like the prescriptions in books.” However, we should not forget our children, the heritage of divorce. They worth everything… I am a mother, too. Ladies and gentlemen! You cannot behave capriciously or settle the scores with your spouses at the moment.
If there is a child, please let’s think for a while by taking ourselves in their shoes. The aim is not to rescue the relationship we no longer want. The aim is to contribute to the development and ripening of the fruits we have produced. The best thing to do is to try some of the advices written above at least, not to say “if only”...

Source: QPlus 1. issue

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